Falling in LOVE

On December 29^th, after our fourth date and Brian’s return home to Bonnyville, I had time to share some of this new dating experience with my brother Robb and his wife Melissa. Robb read this little Celtic prayer for me. I was more than a little freaked out seeing as how it used the word LOVE. Robb was very cool to suggest that I substitute in whatever language I might need, to have it be a present experience and a future reality. 

On January 4^th Brian took a risk and used the “L” word on the phone, I took a risk of my own by trying not to freak out and so I shared this prayer with him. Our story then started in on yet another new chapter entitled “How long until Christy returns the “L” word?” It didn’t take as long as I thought and I give this prayer partial credit!

Enjoy, adapt and ponder….

Celtic Blessing for Falling in Love

"Bless this thing that sparks like lightening

That burns like fire

That radiates like the inside of the first moment of the cosmos

In this awakening love may there always be

courtesy and respect

trust and courage

tenderness and truth.

Take from it all that destroys and is willful

Give to it all that lasts and is selfless

That the one may wither and the other may grow strong

And shine forever.

God bless this one whom I feel such love for.

May I never cheapen this love

May I never use the other just to gratify my appetites

May I always be there for the other

May this love be like a flower that slowly opens up to reveal its full beauty

May I offer my beloved a heart of valor, restraint, and service."

(Celtic Blessings: Prayers for Everyday Life--Compiled by Ray Simpson, 1999)

Hey Pretty Girl

“Life's a long and winding ride, better have the right one by your side.

And happiness don't drag its feet, time moves faster than you think.”

- Hey Pretty Girl lyrics by Kip Moore.

So, apparently I’m growing in my appreciation of Country music. Thanks to a farmer from Bonnyville. Now. Just to clarify. It’s not that I necessarily ENJOY country music, but I DO enjoy this amazing journey with a man named Brian Phillip Hesson. So. I have listened to this 42, never been married, farmer/welder/paintball field owner/high school football coach, uncle to 15, spin me tunes every night since our first phone call. And boy, are there some gooders.

I first learned of his spirituality through “The River” by Garth Brooks. I learned of his perspective on vows and marriage through “I Do” by Paul Brandt and “True Believers” by Darius Rucker. He shared about his relationship with his dad through “A Father’s Love” by High Valley. I learned about his thoughts on having children thanks to Gord Bamford’s “My Daughter’s Father” and Rodney Atkins’ “Watching You.” I learned of his thoughts about me in relation to his past through “The Broken Road” by Rascal Flats and another by Garth, “Unanswered Prayers.” I learned about his present joys and future hopes with Blake Shelton’s “God Gave Me You;” Kip Moore’s “Hey Pretty Girl;” and Deric Ruttan’s “That’s How I Wanna Go Out.”  

I hear about songs which make him think of me, fight for me, smile with me, and shed a tear for me. Aaron Lines’ “Close” and “You Can’t Hide Beautiful;” Brad Paisley’s “She’s Everything;” Keith Urban’s “Put You in a Song;” Tim McGraw’s “It’s Your Love” and “Don’t Take the Girl;” Uncle Kracker’s “Smile;” Lonestar’s “I’m Already There;” and Rascal Flatts’ “I Won’t Let Go.”

The song that I request most often these days, as it relates to how I feel about him and our experience together thus far (timing of all this craziness and my experience of the love of God through him) is Paul Brandt’s “When You Call My Name.”

Yup. I guess I’m kinda getting into country music. Five bucks says I’ll be listening to it for the rest of my life. I have a ring on my finger that says so. First phone call on November 22. First date on December 22. First kiss on December 28. First proposal on January 28. First wedding – this summer sometime. First home in Bonnyville – after the honeymoon sometime. WOW. How many first’s can one girl handle in a year? Only the good Lord knows that! SURELY there’s a country song about that! 

Be Yourself

Be yourself. Be yourself. Be yourself. This simple phrase about living authentically has been echoing in and around the hallways of my life journey these last months. As I read certain authors, participate in prayer classes, converse with friends, old and new alike, and sit in contemplative silence late at night, I hear these words…be yourself. Be Christy Joyce Penner. Be you. Not your vocation, your reputation, your image, your writing, your persona. Neither your successes or failures; your insecurities or victories; your dashed hopes or new dreams. Be yourself. Who you are is…enough. Be yourself.

I have a friend, Cam, who has been struggling with his health for over two years now, all sorts of symptoms and experiences that have been baffling his ‘Dr. House-esque’ diagnostic doctor. They have finally landed on a condition that may explain the majority of his symptoms and the treatment, over a course of time, may provide healing and restoration. The condition is called ‘hemochromatosis’ and involves ridiculously high levels of iron and ferritin in his blood which build up in his organs and can cause scarring and all sorts of other high-risk complications. His treatment? Phlebotomy. In the Greek this means ‘to cut a vein,' which Cam prefers to label as ‘bloodletting.’ Cam now joins the statistics club of ‘The 1 in 200’ with this particular genetic condition. His current treatment program involves losing a litre of blood a week. As his iron and ferritin levels start to stabilize, the bloodletting will be less frequent and his blood will become usable for Canadian Blood Services.

My friend Cam is in the process of becoming a ‘mandated blood donor for life.’ His regular donating will become the healing for others. By being himself, he will be providing healing for others. What he himself needs for healing and restoration will become restorative for others. Just by being himself. Literally by giving of himself, his very own blood.

Be yourself. What a novel thought. What if the process of becoming yourself, becoming more ‘fully human,’ (and in Cam’s case, more fully healthy) became the means of grace, not only for yourself but also for all those around you? What if the giving of yourself, as you are, became the means of restoration and hope for another? Could your relationships and encounters become a doorway into an encounter with healing, with even the Divine? Could life be more about ‘being’ than ‘doing?’ I suppose even Jesus might have a few thoughts on the matter. Aha! How does that verse from the book of Hebrews go? “Without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.” No hope. No healing. True? Is this really the process?  

At this stage, after 4 treatments, Cam is choosing to trust the process. At this stage, at the age of 37, I am also choosing to trust the process. Bloodletting. Healing. Being. 

Life is Breaking Out

Here we are on the precipice of tomorrow. The start of a new year. The night we look behind to all that has been and the celebration of all that is to come. We mourn. We celebrate. We wonder. The season of Epiphany is approaching. The child has been born, the Son has been given. The gifts are arriving. The hope is growing. Can it be true? Is there one who can save us? One who can help make sense of our little worlds and our not so little battles, disappointments, misunderstandings, fears, confusions, betrayals and broken dreams? Is there one who can hold all these little worlds ‘in the palm of His hand?’

I recently finished a book by Jeff Imbach called The Recovery of Love. He unpacks four Christian mystics of the 14^th century, sharing their stories and their lives - their little worlds. In his last few pages reflecting on Dante’s The Divine Comedy, Imbach challenges his readers on their passions and desires, their deep-seated hopes and dreams; their longings. He dares to say that there is a healthy, divine, sacred way to embrace our longings. A way that leads to transformation. Is there one who can save us? Is freedom possible?

Hear some words from Imbach, “Passion is, in it’s essence, the bubbling up of Divine Love at the centre of our being…accepting the passion unconditionally faces one with the reality of choice…choice becomes a real possibility when longing is accepted and fulfillment is celebrated but not demanded. This is the place of freedom, the place where ‘all things are yours.’”

What are you and I longing for? What passion is waiting to break out? What life, healing, longing, hope, dream, desire, ache, or gift is on the precipice? Is it possible to hold it with an open hand? To celebrate the potential but not demand it? To acknowledge the goodness, the sweetness, the opportunity and yet not crush it?

One of my favorite podcasts is from Relevant magazine. They introduced their ‘Best of 2012’ podcast this week with a song from Gungor called ‘Dry Bones.’ I offer these lyrics as a reflection on the Christmas season that has passed and all the epiphanies of the New Year that are to come. Is there one who can save us?

Here’s a YouTube link if you’d like to listen while reading: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vJWHZnZ9E6k

My soul cries out

My soul cries out for you

These bones cry out

These dry bones cry for you

To live and move

'Cause only You can raise the dead

Can lift my head up

Jesus, You're the one who saves us

Constantly creates us into something new

Jesus, surely you will find us

Surely our Messiah will make all things new

Will make all things new

Life is breaking out, it's breaking out

Life is breaking out, it's breaking out, it's breaking out

Short Commentary on Dance, Life and Love

“Dance is the hidden language of the soul” – Martha Graham.

So, it’s official, I am addicted to partner dancing. Once I got settled into my new home in Okotoks, I decided to make a choice between a course in self-defense kick-boxing or Latin partner dance. Talk about choosing a path previously less traveled and having it make ‘all the difference!’ I’m starting to think my hips might be more dangerous than the high knee kicks would have been!

What fun! What joyous delight! First off – the growing confidence I am finding to walk into a large group of strangers and attempt to learn something absolutely brand-new and foreign to me. To just take a risk and give a try – we are capable of more than we think we are! That’s the theory that took me around the world years ago to hang with Mother Teresa’s sisters on the streets of Calcutta, India. It’s what landed me in England for a year writing a Master’s that I thought was way beyond me. It’s what caused me to take up an apron and join a team at a little bible camp with a vision, and yes, it’s what’s causing me to find cute dancing shoes and train lower back muscles!

Author Richard Rohr shares a mantra of how in life; somehow, with the trust and love of God - ’everything belongs.’ It just so happens that as I embark on these dance classes, I am also embarking on a course I’ve mentioned before called “Living From the Heart” which delves into contemplative Christian spirituality. I’ve written about the great, mysterious, cosmic, all-consuming Dance before, the one all of humanity is invited to enter into with the Triune God of Love, but boy…it’s one thing to write about it and another thing to experience it.

There is an overlap between the physicality of learning dance and what I'm labelling the ‘active passivity’ of experiencing Love, even in the midst of uncertain times and while holding ‘with an open hand’ the lives and experiences of others. I am bolding declaring to be a living witness to Rohr’s mantra, ‘everything belongs.’ I testify! I celebrate! I am grateful!

As I continue the journey of discovering what’s around my next vocational and relational corners (Oh yes, I’m on the market in more ways than one – and I’m still open to leads) and as I continue the Dance, I offer these words from Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel. I would welcome your comments and thoughts. Peace.

“God is not always silent, and man is not always blind. In every man’s life there are moments when there is a lifting of the veil at the horizon of the known, opening a sight of the eternal. Each of us has at least once in his life experienced the momentous reality of God. Each of us has once caught a glimpse of the beauty, peace, and power that flow through the souls of those who are devoted to Him. But such experiences are rare events. To some people they are like shooting stars, passing and unremembered. In others they kindle a light that is never quenched. The remembrance of that experience and the loyalty to the response of that moment are the forces that sustain our faith.”

What once was LOST now is FOUND

I am in the few mere days leading up to my first ‘Living From the Heart’ class, being presented by Soul Streams and hosted this weekend at King’s Fold Retreat Centre. I am greatly looking forward to reacquainting myself with a place that I have fond memories of and great expectations for ‘meeting with God.’

The required readings involve delving into some intense conversation about ‘surrendering to the love of God.’ Concrete and profound images of the love of God are sometimes hard to find in my daily life and so I have been pleasantly (if not brokenly) accosted by two personified images that both come from a dear child in my life, my little almost two-year old niece, Norah. Both happened in the span of a few hours this past Saturday, as our family celebrated the birthday of her mom.

Upon arrival to my new home in Okotoks, Norah ran across the street towards me as soon as her little feet hit the ground out of the family van. She was running literally ‘head-first,’ leaning forward at the risk of falling and tripping in her eagerness to get to me and my waiting arms. Her arms were open, her smile was bright, her little pigtails were bobbing and the utter delight and abandon that accompanied this great reception did not go unnoticed by her parents or myself. She was absolutely convinced of my acceptance of her. She was totally confident of my ability to catch her as she flung herself into my arms. She was utterly selfless in her affection for me.

Of all the times I’ve reflected on and pondered the story Jesus tells of the prodigal son and his faithful father, this was maybe the first time the roles of the two converged in my own life. In Norah I saw the faithful and abiding love of the father and the desperately seeking and hopeful posture of the son. I felt the abandon and absolute ‘surrender to love’ that erases all fear and showers unconditional acceptance upon the receiver. I was loved. She was love and beloved.

After a time of fun and food, her mom and I remained in the home to prepare dessert, while the rest of the family, including six kids, left for the playground, across the same street Norah had previously traversed. They enjoyed their visit involving swing sets and monkey bars and safely returned to the home. Well, almost all of them. A brief moment later it was discovered that Norah was missing. Absolute desperation gripped me. Norah was missing. She wasn’t where she belonged. 

I flew up the stairs to the yard. I ran through the gate. I had a fleeting thought of the dessert chocolate potentially burning on the stove. ‘Damn the chocolate’ was my noble thought. ‘Heaven help us’ was my prayer. As I turned the corner, I saw a group of adults across the street; they were my intended destination. Instead, as I turned the corner, here was Norah at the front door, coming down the steps with a kind, brilliantly blonde teenage girl at her side. My run slowed to a walk, now was not the time for dramatics. I lifted up this little girl and the little doll she was dragging beside her. She melted into my shoulder. I asked the teenage girl, Nicole, for the story and offered my deepest thanks, I must have asked for her name a dozen times. I couldn’t stop looking at her brilliant blonde hair, slightly angelic if you ask me. I then returned to my home to give Norah back to her mom and dad and pass the story along. What once was lost now was found.   

Again, it was a time of rediscovering the depth and character of divine love as revealed in another of Jesus’ stories. This time, the story of the shepherd that has the ninety-nine sheep on the hills and goes looking for the lost one. There is just no other option. I get it now. Of course the shepherd couldn’t do anything except go; and go quickly and fervently. And with absolute abandon. Not with disregard for anyone else. Just as my care for the remaining family in the home did not decrease, it was the desire for the lost one that increased. Rapidly. Exponentially. Because this was the one that was not safe, was not found. I literally knew I would not stop until she was found. I would give all to find her. I would hunt, ask for help, look like a fool and beg the God above until she was back where she belonged. And then the celebrating could begin.

What once was lost now was found. And I am slowly discovering this love that is spoken of and given by Jesus. Not just in a story. But in our ordinary, everyday lives. Maybe even today.  

(Stories and photo used with permission from Norah’s parents)

Saying Hello and Goodbye

John Ortberg ruined me the day he wrote the title of his book ‘If You Want To Walk On Water, You’ve Got To Get Out Of The Boat.’ I first encountered this quick read when I took one of my (at the time) bi-annual visits to King’s Fold Retreat Centre for a solitary fasting retreat back in 2002. I was home from my travels in India, supporting a delightful lady with disabilities in her home and starting my first leadership experience with the Alpha course. There was possibility in the air and a deep desire to be used, to be found faithful and to experience something beyond the norm – basically I wanted to know and be know by the Divine – the Other-Than, the Great-Than. 

So. I took Ortberg’s challenge to pray for one particular thing every day for 6 months and see what happened. In his book, he said he would refund your money if you prayed for 6 months about one particular thing and nothing happened. He said to write him and tell him what happened and if nothing happened, watch in the mail. SO. I prayed. And 6 months later I wrote him a letter of the profound experiences and generous delights the Lord gave during that 6 month season – no refund on the book for me!

I’m no sailor or fisherman, nor do I have the remote chance of maintaining balance in a precarious boat. But I do know what it’s like to get out of one…to be acknowledged by name by The One Who Loves Fully, to be challenged to faith and not fear and….yet, to fall into the deep waters of divided, anxious focus only to be grabbed and saved and restored.

I kinda thought that once I got out of the boat I’d never get back in or that once I was out, I was out – walking, dancing and floating on the waters of faith with my sweet Lord would be my good fortune and forecast. Perhaps the getting out of the boat is only the beginning of what C.S. Lewis writes as ‘the farther up and further in’ of the kingdom –the first chapter a mere glimpse, taste, suggestion of what is to come.

SO – all that to say that – there is certainly more to come in my little life. My next wee step ‘farther up and further in’ is to pursue my long-time dream for doctoral studies – to continue the passion for researching the hospitality and service of Jesus and to find venues to share this research. To say hello to this dream means to say goodbye to another. I’m ok with this…I think. Transition takes time and involves the grieving of one thing in order to fully embrace another. And yet – I sense it is all one and the same dream really. This clinging to the cross, this longing for the divine, this sharing of life, is found in every context I am located in – physically and relationally; emotionally and spiritually.

Today’s coordinates are a ragamuffin camping experience on the edge of a river valley. Tomorrow’s coordinates are yet to be determined…there’s just one direction I know for sure. It’s the direction that takes me out of the boat…yet again. Lord have mercy.