Saying Hello and Goodbye

John Ortberg ruined me the day he wrote the title of his book ‘If You Want To Walk On Water, You’ve Got To Get Out Of The Boat.’ I first encountered this quick read when I took one of my (at the time) bi-annual visits to King’s Fold Retreat Centre for a solitary fasting retreat back in 2002. I was home from my travels in India, supporting a delightful lady with disabilities in her home and starting my first leadership experience with the Alpha course. There was possibility in the air and a deep desire to be used, to be found faithful and to experience something beyond the norm – basically I wanted to know and be know by the Divine – the Other-Than, the Great-Than. 

So. I took Ortberg’s challenge to pray for one particular thing every day for 6 months and see what happened. In his book, he said he would refund your money if you prayed for 6 months about one particular thing and nothing happened. He said to write him and tell him what happened and if nothing happened, watch in the mail. SO. I prayed. And 6 months later I wrote him a letter of the profound experiences and generous delights the Lord gave during that 6 month season – no refund on the book for me!

I’m no sailor or fisherman, nor do I have the remote chance of maintaining balance in a precarious boat. But I do know what it’s like to get out of one…to be acknowledged by name by The One Who Loves Fully, to be challenged to faith and not fear and….yet, to fall into the deep waters of divided, anxious focus only to be grabbed and saved and restored.

I kinda thought that once I got out of the boat I’d never get back in or that once I was out, I was out – walking, dancing and floating on the waters of faith with my sweet Lord would be my good fortune and forecast. Perhaps the getting out of the boat is only the beginning of what C.S. Lewis writes as ‘the farther up and further in’ of the kingdom –the first chapter a mere glimpse, taste, suggestion of what is to come.

SO – all that to say that – there is certainly more to come in my little life. My next wee step ‘farther up and further in’ is to pursue my long-time dream for doctoral studies – to continue the passion for researching the hospitality and service of Jesus and to find venues to share this research. To say hello to this dream means to say goodbye to another. I’m ok with this…I think. Transition takes time and involves the grieving of one thing in order to fully embrace another. And yet – I sense it is all one and the same dream really. This clinging to the cross, this longing for the divine, this sharing of life, is found in every context I am located in – physically and relationally; emotionally and spiritually.

Today’s coordinates are a ragamuffin camping experience on the edge of a river valley. Tomorrow’s coordinates are yet to be determined…there’s just one direction I know for sure. It’s the direction that takes me out of the boat…yet again. Lord have mercy. 

A Word Timely Given

What captures my heart these days?

What motivates my hopes, what dispels my fears, challenges my wrongdoings, encourages my convictions, interprets my circumstances, redeems missed opportunities, brings new mercies every morning and creates humble reverence IN those mornings?

Driving home last night from a lovely family gathering, I chanced upon a short little podcast I had downloaded from my time in Phoenix last month, that I had yet to listen to. It was a short ‘preach’ given to the student leaders of a conference held last year in the States called The Passion. The topic was on the memorizing of scripture, by a preacher and author well known by many, John Piper. I can’t say I’m entirely sure I land where he does on all thoughts about life, relationships and the church today; but his 65-year-old voice as it came over the speakers in my little Chevy Optra was soft, kind, passionate and compelling.

He mentioned that he was speaking with no manuscript, (which is apparently uncharacteristic for him) save for a few heading titles. He told stories, he offered resources, but mostly he quoted scriptures. Pockets of old and new, epistles and songs, from Samuel to Jesus to Paul. All from memory, all in an oratory style reminiscent for me of those long dramatic monologues I learned in English 10 or Drama 20 or first year college courses.

The memory that haunts him over 30 years in pastoral ministry was the first hospital visit he undertook as a 34-year-old greenhorn, to a family who was losing their mother. He forgot his bible. The family asked for ‘a word.’ “Give us a word Pastor.” His mind went blank. He held their gazes, awkwardly, self-consciously, then bowed; mumbled a prayer, offered condolences and left. And resolved. Resolved to never again be without ‘a word.’

My memory goes to a little grade 6 girls Sunday school class that my friend and I taught years ago. We weren’t sure what we were doing – but we were passionate and sincere and desperate. Desperate enough to seek out some disciplines to teach and that was how I came to learn Psalm 91 with 20 grade 6 girls, making up a melody with limited chords on a borrowed guitar, (which is apparently uncharacteristic for me) changing pronouns to suit the context – “SHE who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.”

This Psalm then took my friend and I to Calcutta, India and back again. To workplaces and relationships, to painful circumstances and joyful mountaintops.

What captures my heart these days?

Dare I attempt to explain this longing and life of and in the Spirit through the WORD of the Spirit? Even the memorized word?

Suffice it to say that Piper’s ‘preach’ was a word timely given.

“Because she loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue her; I will protect her because she acknowledges my name. She will call upon me, and I will answer her; I will be with her in trouble, I will deliver her and honor her. With long life will I satisfy her and show her my salvation.” Psalm 91: 14-16

In The Desert

So, I find myself in the desert. In relative solitude. It's hard to get really, totally alone these days. Even in the desert you find companions (see sign I found while hiking!) While I ponder, read and write down here in Phoenix, I am finding music a great companion, the neighbours dog, and some weird busy birds that just won't leave the bushes behind me. Oh, and have I mentioned I'm staying in a retirement village with some very active seniors?

So I am in a desert and I have found one more companion for the experience. It is Psalm 63 of David, when he was in a desert. I've landed on this one and I just can't quite shake it.

It's words are disturbing me.

It's imagery is haunting me.

It's depths are calling to me.

And I pray it's changing me.

Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy.

"O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water.

I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory. Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands. My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you.

On my bed I remember you; I think of you through the watches of the night. Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings. I stay close to you; your right hand upholds me.

They who seek my life will be destroyed; they will go down to the depths of the earth. They will be given over to the sword and become food for jackals.

But the king will rejoice in God; all who swear by God's name will praise him, while the mouths of liars will be silenced."

What Are We Waiting For?

On this, the cusp of my 36^th birthday, I woke up with a Trans-Siberian Orchestra song in my head.

Now, if you know me well at all, you will know that my musical tastes are all over the map, that I can rarely distinguish an artist or a song title, and that quite often I can’t even tell you that I own a particular song or album, just that it’s ‘what’s his face’ or you know, ‘that band.’

So the fact that I had the lyric ‘on this night, on this very Christmas night’ running through my head AND that I knew it was Trans-Siberian Orchestra was a huge WIN for me this morning.

With the help of Google and iTunes, I now own the song and have the lyrics to “Christmas Canon.”

This night we pray our lives will show

This dream we had each child still knows

We are waiting

We have not forgotten

On this night

On this night

On this very Christmas night

If you’re looking for an interesting alternative to your standard Christmas music this season, I recommend downloading a few of their songs – perhaps this one in particular.

As I reflect on this past year of life, the goals that have been accomplished, the dreams realized, I’m somewhat painfully aware that there are a few things I’m still waiting for. And just for the record, they may be pretty selfish things.

Thank you Jesus for reminding me today (again) of what’s worth waiting for.

In this advent season, on this night, on this very Christmas night, we are waiting… we are waiting for a savior, for the Christ-child to be born, for the impossible to be real, for the angel’s proclamation to be echoed throughout our lives.

What are we waiting for? Emmanuel, God with us.

Waiting for justice, waiting for wrongs to be righted, waiting for…

One of our retired volunteers out here at camp has a little girl in her life without half her face. She has doctors attempting to get the cancer out of her body by cutting off her nose and cheek. She’s waiting for healing or at the very least an extra year or two on her young life.

There are little kids, little babies, right here in our neighbourhoods, waiting for foster homes and adoption, whose parents waiting for help and relief and hope.

There are countries and communities waiting for peace, for cease-fire, for the absence of anger, strife and fear.

I know of families waiting for reconciliation, for new beginnings and a second chance.

I hear of grieving spouses waiting for the pain of loss to lessen, wondering if it ever will, and if it does, what does that mean.

I hang out with young friends; discerning career and family decisions, waiting for the right time for making changes, uncertain about their choices - how far to risk, how big to dream.

We’re all waiting for something I suppose, even if we have a hard time articulating it?

Today I hold the tension between the already and the not yet. We are waiting, we have not forgotten…and we will keep waiting – and I do pray that our lives will show that this waiting has not been in vain.

The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of the shadow of death a light has dawned….for to us a child is born, to us a son is given…and he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. (Isaiah 9)

Come Lord Jesus come. We are waiting. We have not forgotten!

Sabbath; a verb

The River’s Edge four pillars:

(as listed on our name tags)

Serve Graciously, Labour Tirelessly, Fight Courageously, Honor Passionately.

I’d like to propose a fifth….Sabbath Faithfully.

Busy days of family camp, transition to the hosting of a wedding weekend, and 1 day of rest in the making….ahhh.

To sabbath faithfully – as in regularly and intentionally. This is my struggle and my goal.

The Lord really knew what he was doing – that’s my observation. I need time, humanity needs time, creation needs time – to rest, recover, worship, recognize, observe, contemplate, restore.

What does sabbathing faithfully look like when you’re in a busy season? Or when you’re a parent, or a boss, or a student with crunch time?

Reading through Isaiah 40 again a bunch this week.

“Do you not know? Have you not heard?

The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth.

He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.

Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall;

but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles,

They will run and not grow weary,

They will walk and not be faint.”

I’m starting to think that Sabbath rest has something to do with this…Hoping in the Lord – sabbathing in the Lord, resting in the Lord, trusting in the Lord, relying in the Lord, desiring in the Lord…

I will keep walking and not be faint, I will soar – I will be renewed – my hope is in the Lord.

Some of my understanding of sabbathing also involves feasting…in the Lord, on the Lord, through the Lord, with the Lord - so –

Here’s a shot of a deliciously fresh and lovely lunch salad for this sabbathing day…

Cause you know – I’m all about the food! Recipe compliments of Emily, the SIL – fresh basil, mozza, cherry tomatoes, black olives, avocado, green onions, s and p! Delicious!

Catch and Release

Just finished reading a book borrowed from a friend of a friend, Same Kind of Different As Me. The story of two men and their journey of friendship – Ron, white and rich, Denver, black and poor – the story of a rich man’s wife encouraging him to become involved in the homelessness issue and how her life inspired both men – and in particular their commitment to a lifelong friendship together.

At one point in the story – Ron’s wife, Debbie, after they’ve started volunteering at a community shelter, encourages him to start a friendship with this Denver guy and so he reluctantly invites him out for breakfast and asks him to be his friend. After Denver spends a week contemplating this request he meets up with Ron again and asks for clarification on the whole friendship deal… in his words – he’s noticed a practice in fishing called ‘catch and release’ – he wants no part in that kind of a friendship but if Ron is ready for the long haul then Denver is too –“ If you fishing for a friend you just gonn’ catch and release, then I ain’t got no desire to be your friend…but if you is lookin for a real friend, then I’ll be one. Forever.”

I attended a wedding of a friend yesterday, someone who I know through River’s Edge. A beautiful ceremony and celebration…of two young people formalizing their commitment of a lifelong friendship together…that whole 'two becoming one' business. No catch and release clause there either – its right there in the vows, ‘as long as we both shall live.’

What extravagant, ridiculous claims of commitment! I’ve been using the word ‘ridiculous’ a bit lately and it’s been misunderstood by several (unlike my other 50+ catch phrases my staff team has been collecting which have relatively clear meanings and apparently frequent usages).

‘Ridiculous,’ according to Merriam-Webster, is defined as: absurd or preposterous, contrary to reason, nature or common sense, unreasonable, unsound, or incongruous.

One of my favorite quotes by author Madeline L’Engle regarding Mary, mother of Jesus and the nativity event:

This is the irrational season where loves blooms bright and wild,
Had Mary been filled with reason, there’d have been no room for the child.

These bold claims of foreverness, commitment, perseverance….I love them. I honor them. I am challenged by them. I see Jesus in them. And to be honest…I long to partake in them. Somehow. No matter how ridiculous. Time to go fishing?

Trust in Me

DISCLAIMER: what follows is radical self disclosure…be forewarned!

I think its about time I acknowledge something….one of the greatest hindrances to experiencing true community and connectedness for me right now are my desires and insecurities around ‘taking control’ and feeling ultimately responsible for pretty much everything in my life – the tasks and things that legitimately ARE my responsibilities and ALL the things (and people) that aren’t.

This has been brought to light recently through several experiences at work and in my interactions with our staff team. We are often joking around about my ‘control freakness’ or my ‘angry badger face’ - when they all know I am thinking something and want to critique or challenge.

I am currently reading a book called For Women Only, based on a survey of 800 men and their inner lives. I was loitering around a used bookstore in Cochrane on Saturday and discovered this little hardcover; right next to a Sylvia Browne book on communicating with the dead in the ‘inspirational’ section. It was a tough call on which book to choose – went with the men one. I like men. I like communicating with men…living ones.

What started off as an enlightening read and reality check for me on the ways men feel respected and how to truly value them quickly morphed into a reflective journaling session on my life and some of the ways I devalue community and true connectedness with some of my ongoing and repetitive behaviors of control and – here it is – ultimate lack of trust in God and others.

Does anyone else have trouble truly trusting another? EVEN when- for example, I know that other is MORE capable of a task or challenge than I am? EVEN when I know I am the most incompetent one in the room. EVEN when I know I am absolutely POWERLESS – I would still rather be the one making the judgment call, the decision, giving my two cents – even though the exchange rate on those two cents garners it worthless!

Two questions. What compels this behavior? And what could change it? The first question requires ridiculous amounts of psychoanalysis best left for another time and place. First thing that came to mind regarding the second question? Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ (Ephesians 5).

OH – the JOY of submission! I never thought I would write those words! Oh the DISCIPLINE of submission! An act of the will to CHOOSE the way, thought, value, wisdom of another.

I’m not remotely ready to tackle the submission thought in the context of covenantal marriage as Paul continues to write in Ephesians. I need to sit with this ‘submission to one another’ for a bit longer before it’s put into the marriage context – I need to contemplate this ‘reverence’ for Christ. The motivation behind the behaviour.

Why submit to one another? Out of reverence for Christ – ‘whom’ (and here is my latest ongoing 2011 mantra) ‘for the joy set before him, endured the cross, scorning its shame…’ Why? Because of what he’s done? Because of his example? Because of his redemptive purposes that he began whilst here walking in my shoes?

Maybe its because I need a ‘big dog’ to tell me what to do sometimes. Maybe, its because sometimes, I just need to let go. Its like Paul pulled out the ultimatum, put all his cards on the table; why submit? Because of JESUS. The Alpha and the Omega. The beginning and the end. The bright morning star. The Messiah, Savior, Creator. Because the HOLY TRINITY itself IS. Because the very breath you breathe is utterly dependent on another – because my very existence, my past, present and future, is in the hands of another. I am not my own…I have been bought at a price. Because the best place to be is in the scarred hands of the resurrected king of the universe. Not me holding him, rather HIM holding me.

Ok. That’s it. Self disclosure over. 2 cents worth given…again. Grace and mercy. Again.