Trust in Me

DISCLAIMER: what follows is radical self disclosure…be forewarned!

I think its about time I acknowledge something….one of the greatest hindrances to experiencing true community and connectedness for me right now are my desires and insecurities around ‘taking control’ and feeling ultimately responsible for pretty much everything in my life – the tasks and things that legitimately ARE my responsibilities and ALL the things (and people) that aren’t.

This has been brought to light recently through several experiences at work and in my interactions with our staff team. We are often joking around about my ‘control freakness’ or my ‘angry badger face’ - when they all know I am thinking something and want to critique or challenge.

I am currently reading a book called For Women Only, based on a survey of 800 men and their inner lives. I was loitering around a used bookstore in Cochrane on Saturday and discovered this little hardcover; right next to a Sylvia Browne book on communicating with the dead in the ‘inspirational’ section. It was a tough call on which book to choose – went with the men one. I like men. I like communicating with men…living ones.

What started off as an enlightening read and reality check for me on the ways men feel respected and how to truly value them quickly morphed into a reflective journaling session on my life and some of the ways I devalue community and true connectedness with some of my ongoing and repetitive behaviors of control and – here it is – ultimate lack of trust in God and others.

Does anyone else have trouble truly trusting another? EVEN when- for example, I know that other is MORE capable of a task or challenge than I am? EVEN when I know I am the most incompetent one in the room. EVEN when I know I am absolutely POWERLESS – I would still rather be the one making the judgment call, the decision, giving my two cents – even though the exchange rate on those two cents garners it worthless!

Two questions. What compels this behavior? And what could change it? The first question requires ridiculous amounts of psychoanalysis best left for another time and place. First thing that came to mind regarding the second question? Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ (Ephesians 5).

OH – the JOY of submission! I never thought I would write those words! Oh the DISCIPLINE of submission! An act of the will to CHOOSE the way, thought, value, wisdom of another.

I’m not remotely ready to tackle the submission thought in the context of covenantal marriage as Paul continues to write in Ephesians. I need to sit with this ‘submission to one another’ for a bit longer before it’s put into the marriage context – I need to contemplate this ‘reverence’ for Christ. The motivation behind the behaviour.

Why submit to one another? Out of reverence for Christ – ‘whom’ (and here is my latest ongoing 2011 mantra) ‘for the joy set before him, endured the cross, scorning its shame…’ Why? Because of what he’s done? Because of his example? Because of his redemptive purposes that he began whilst here walking in my shoes?

Maybe its because I need a ‘big dog’ to tell me what to do sometimes. Maybe, its because sometimes, I just need to let go. Its like Paul pulled out the ultimatum, put all his cards on the table; why submit? Because of JESUS. The Alpha and the Omega. The beginning and the end. The bright morning star. The Messiah, Savior, Creator. Because the HOLY TRINITY itself IS. Because the very breath you breathe is utterly dependent on another – because my very existence, my past, present and future, is in the hands of another. I am not my own…I have been bought at a price. Because the best place to be is in the scarred hands of the resurrected king of the universe. Not me holding him, rather HIM holding me.

Ok. That’s it. Self disclosure over. 2 cents worth given…again. Grace and mercy. Again.

Drops Like Blood

Just started reading CS Lewis - 'The Problem of Pain' - first quote on first page he offers is from George MacDonald - "The Son of Man suffered unto the death, not that men might not suffer, but that their sufferings might be like His."

Just finished a quick read last night of Rob Bell's new book - 'Love Wins'. Yup - that one, the controversial one.

Have quite a few thoughts percolating, not sure what to do with them all. This week we are creeping ever near the eve of our Lord's death - of his suffering and I am trying to make sense of a few events and situations. I am trying to understand the upside down kingdom, the reality of pain - in the lives of those around me, near and far, and I am trying to understand our Lord's sufferings.

As if I could ever understand. Empathy is not high on my 'Strength's Finder' test anymore - I think maybe 10-15 years ago it was but I have become a tad more cynical since then, a trifle more skeptical and I suspect, a bunch more critical. I want things to be easy, simple, I want to avoid conflict and disappointment. I don't want to think about another's pain, another's misfortune, another's grief. Sometimes its too much. Sometimes when I think too much about another's pain, I want to cry, I want to make it all better, I want to solve all the problems.

When I think of our Lord's sufferings, when I truly enter in, when I sit in Gethsemane, with my back against a tree and try not to fall asleep, when I hear his wretched cry, when I see the 'drops like blood,' when I hear the voices and footsteps of the approaching gang....I freeze, I hesitate, I desert, I deny.

When I think of our Lord's sufferings, when I do actually take time to ponder, to contemplate, to reflect, I'm glad I do. I learn, I cry, I still want to make it all better, but sometimes I let Him make it all better, I let Him lead me back to those places and people, I let him take the pain, and I am humbled.

I don't know much about heaven or hell or the fate of all who ever lived - I'm wondering about what Bell knows or about what Lewis knows. This Easter season, I'd like to spend some time wondering about what Jesus knows...once again, that verse from Hebrews - 'for the joy set before him, endured the cross....'

May it be a Good Friday for all.

Celebration as discipline

Been reading Buchanan's book, "Your God is Too Safe" lately...reminded about it by one of my staff team.

Here's a quote "The discipline of joy, the discipline of partying is a holy habit of celebration. Its a discipline because true celebration is deciding purposefully to rejoice and making every effort to do so. Celebration is the practice of lifting our eyes from our preoccupation with all the work we have to do and the trouble we're in and the money we owe and the reputation we strive to keep-to lift our eyes from all that and set them on things above....It's the discipline of setting joy before us so that we might throw off everything that hinders and run the race marked out for us - that we might endure and not lose heart and not grow weary."

For the joy set before him; the party awaiting, he endured the cross, scorning its shame - the practice of joy in the midst of, in spite of, transcendent above; suffering, uncertainty, betrayal, confusion, waiting...

I heard a sermon years ago at Southview Alliance which included a definition of patience - "living well in the meantimes of life." Living in the moment, with integrity, authenticity, victory, hope - living well in the meantime - while waiting for the something more...whatever that something more is.

That holy gang in Hebrews - living a life of faith without ever seeing the something more on this side of the grave... "All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance."

Our hope is built on nothing less than Jesus' blood and righteousness... for the joy set before him endured the cross....consider him who endured such opposition...so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

As we journey ever nearer the cross this Lenten season - lets anticipate the something more - let's live well in the meantime. Dare we choose joy in the midst of all evidence to the contrary - without flippancy but with conviction? Jesus, please help me - I do believe, help me in my unbelief.

The Hiatus is over!

Tis the Sunday before Lent...I am purposefully reading a few chapters on fasting and disciplines in preparation for Ash Wednesday. Still trying to decide what I shall choose for this season.

I had thought about imposing a fast from music in our RE kitchen - just to see what we would all do with it...but I know the life would be sucked out of at least 3 of the team... so - now instead of imposing on others (a tendency of mine I suppose) I will find something for myself-novel thought.

What a season! Fond memories of Pancake Tuesdays in England - from whence this blog originated.

Because of my new lifestyle goals I've given up a BUNCH of food items...so the fast will need to be something other than that? I thought about speech...because I often use too many words or wrong words or careless words...

I thought about TV or Movies or coffee shop purchases. I thought about what I REALLY enjoy...early mornings with coffee (decaf now) and bible and a book of sorts...what I find EASY to do...oh texting...maybe I could give up texting? Pros and Cons...

Maybe...I do have another one or two thoughts up my sleeve...we shall just have to see.

John Wesley: "Some have exalted religious fasting beyond all Scripture and reason; and others have utterly disregarded it."

Back in Canada!

Well, I have now been back in Canada for almost one full week. It feels weird. How's that for my official commentary on cultural transition and jet lag? Graduation was a sweet celebration this last weekend. One full year of life now documented on a little A4 piece of paper with appropriate seals and signatures. Gotta find me a good frame for that one - going in faith I will soon have a job (and office) to show it off in...Ahhhh, the joys of entering 'real life' again...having said that, am looking at doctorate programs already for next year...just can't get enough I guess.

Am heading off to a discussion tonight with Brian McLaren and Bob Goudzwaard (and maybe a few others) on hope in the midst of global poverty and environmental collapse. Anticipating good thoughts to counter the land of big cars, big malls and big mac's....Ah...England, I miss you already...

Saying Goodbye

Tomorrow at 4:45 am, our friend Karen returns home to Sunnyside, Washington. Her dad passed away suddenly on Tuesday and so she goes home to be with mom Audrey and bro Carl. She felt prompted to call her dad on the Tuesday morning and was able to have what is now her last conversation with him. Shes been my hero these last few days...all the details and arrangements admist stories and memories of a dad and a life well lived. Do think of her and pray. Thanks.

Postmodernity and Canadian Church Planting

So, I wrote this paper on postmodernism and Canadian church planting, using the open house in Vancouver as a case study, and now its out on the world wide web...so I thought I'd try and send a link to Kyle Martin's (of the open house) webpage where it can be downloaded. its on www.motionsickness.ca. If I can't figure it out then you can go directly to the site on your own!